#ForTheLongHall
I don’t really know the best way to contextualize my objective for 2020 so I’m just going to ramble and hope it comes together in the end.
My biggest learning from 2019 is that I do best when I commit myself to a long-term goal. 30-day programs, all-or-nothing commitments… I crumble within days and stew on my failure for another week or so. The 12-month commitment of #noshop (noting I really did 11 months which is good with me as I achieved my goal of overcoming my consumption addiction) was deeply therapeutic to me. I failed, I stewed, but I kept going because I had more time ahead of me, and it worked.
This process made me think about other goals I’ve had for myself. Some are aggressive and a bit premature (mortgage payoff, own a shack in Kennebunkport…) and then one night this fall someone messaged me during a Q&A on instagram and asked me what I wish I hadn’t taken for granted in my 20’s. Without hesitation I responded “my health” and moved on to the next question but for the next few days, weeks, I kept coming back to it. How was I so flippant about the the one thing that literally drives my ability to meet any other goal? To be there for my family? To show up as myself, every day? To push myself in my career? We are nothing, without our health, really, yet here I was noting my sheer and honest disregard for the cause for the last 15+ years.
Surely I hadn’t been that neglectful? I combed through the various “regimes” I’ve followed over the years… Whole30, Weight Watchers, vegetarianism, personal training, 5k running coaching, SoulCycle, fancy gyms, Peleton in my basement…yet here I was. Tired, exhausted really, slugging my way through a Stage 4 Endometriosis diagnosis, popping Cymbalta and birth control daily just keep myself afloat.
I remember when Amy Patrice sent me the suite of photos including the one above in late July for a really important partnership. They were beautiful - Nell is glowing, the park is flawless, many of the snaps of me, even, portrayed the Meg I wanted to be. This photo made me pause. It’s a beautiful photo because it’s probably the most precise and genuine portrayal of me this year. Nell is thriving. Her personality is bursting out of her. I am attentive and deeply enamored with my perfect girl.
But I can see weight in my face. My eyes are sad. I can see the sadness. And the stress. I was an hour late to the shoot. My hair is dirty. It was over 90 degrees out and I was so drained. I could hardly keep it together. I remember telling myself, dripping in sweat, that this is how it was now and I needed to get it together. I was stressed out of my mind at work, disappointing people left and right. My blog was my mental savior but also a time suck I really didn’t have the bandwidth for.
In many way this photograph and that message on instagram are the most impactful events of my year. Then came Liz with a copy of this book and the pieces started to come together. I’m not a victim. I’d simply made the choice to prioritize my ego. I’d rather do everything 50% than give anything up. I’d rather drag myself through the mud to give 100% at one thing and 20% to the rest as long as I got to do it all.
I started meditating regularly in August. I use a lot of different apps and YouTube videos but was mostly reliant on the Calm App. A few weeks ago this quote popped up after a morning meditation during a particularly stressful week.
It stopped me in my tracks. That day I decided that 2020 was my year to pay the price of deciding what’s important to me. Naturally I already know what’s most important… my family, my health, my job… but I haven’t paid the price of holding steady to that commitment. I cannot be there for my family or my job if I do not start to prioritize my health.
I think our society has started to categorize “health” as a regular exercise routine and “self care” especially for moms as manicures and regular blowouts. Those things can be important but in a silo they are not health.
I don’t have a primary care doctor. I’ve had three surgeries in three years with another on the horizon and my diagnosis is no better. I haven’t slept through the night without some sort of supplemental help since 2017. I haven’t woken up ready to take on my day since 2008. I’m burnt out. I’m not healthy.
I have the power to change all of this. In 2020 I’m going to change. My health is my priority. I was talking to Chris about this a month or so ago, eerily similar to my conversation with him a year prior about my addiction to shopping. I told him Jan 1, I was in it. He told me that if #noshop19 worked well for me that I needed to start now. Make small changes, do my research, help myself . What does Jan 1 mean anyway?
He was right. I’ve spent the last few months reading everything I can on long term, holistic health. Holistic = my whole self. The more research I’ve done the more I realize that one things builds on the next. For example, when I follow my gluten-free diet, my inflammation significantly decreases, which gives me more energy, which inspires me to exercise, which helps me sleep better, which helps me feel better and continues the cycle. It’s a huge chain reaction.
Based on all of the above, I’m excited to share my 2020 initiative: #ForTheLongHall. This year, my goal is to be my healthiest self. Unlike #noshop19, where the goal was simply to not shop, this journey will look very different for everyone. Because of that, I don’t plan to share “rules” or anything that may guide judgement or skepticism of my journey or anyone else’s. The “rules” etc. that I shared last year made my more stressed about disappointing others than meeting my own goals, which is silly but was a great learning experience for me.
Instead, I’ll be focusing on “Steps” to meet my long term goal.
Step 1 is to rebalance my body from years of hormonal therapies, surgeries, IVF, pregnancy, and endometriosis havoc + inflammation. This is my plan.
I’ve partnered with Binto after two+ months of product testing and research to find a sustainable supplement program to kickstart rebalancing my body. More to come including my findings in researching postnatal depletion, post-birth control syndrome and mineral depletion in our food.
I will start the New Year with a 75 minute yoga class and an IV boost of fluids as well as an injection of Vitamin B12 and Vitamin D
I will continue to meditate daily (current favorite app is Journey Live’s nighttime meditation with Hector at 10 pm)
I will find and schedule an appointment with a primary care physician (this may sound insane but I have 283972935 endo doctors and rely on the walk-in and teledoc for literally everything else)
I am in the process of working with a holistic health coach (also an RN) for the next four months to blend my traditional medical diagnosis with a more holistic approach including additional hormonal testing and potential detox plans pending the results - with an eventual goal of my body being stable enough to halt my dependency on birth control
I plan to significantly reduce my alcohol consumption while continuing to follow a plant-based, gluten free diet with limited diet
Step 1 will be complete when I feel that my baseline health has been restored to a level that will support my body in sleeping well and sustaining a timely morning routine
I will be posting about my journey throughout the year but don’t plan to commit to a regular cadence, etc. In my soul searching regarding my priorities I’ve decided that health and family are 1000% my top priorities this year. I’ve reprioritized my space on the internet back to a place of creative expression and community building and hope to prevent burnout by taking on less but more relevant partnerships. My professional career also needs significant focus this year and cannot be compromised by blog distractions.
Regardless, I look forward to 2020 and welcome any and all participation from this community in improving your own health #FortheLongHall!
